Goodbye for now...

Where she was

It has been over a month now. My mother passed away on March 28th. I feel like I had a good chance to say goodbye to her and I am grateful for that. Even before she passed I missed her, but having her really be gone is a different thing entirely. I am comforted in the confidence that I feel that I will see her again. Still, it hurts.



Back in Bangalore, I am picking up the pieces of my life here. The house hunting resumed as we have to vacate this house. Really we are glad to as we have grown tired of the never ending leaks, too-close construction noise and hassles. The good news is that we did find a new house, just-right size (felt like Goldilocks looking at houses, most far too big, or small!), nice open kitchen with lots of counter space for Maya, a garden that is a usable size. We couldn't be happier! Other aspects of my life are slowly coming back as well, though it is a sad thing that so many friends have left or will soon be leaving Bangalore. I have to edit the contact list in my phone again. Still, I am not entirely alone and I am getting back into the swing of things. But normal, after what I have experienced in the last 5 months, is different. I am changed.

Moonlight on Construction

Somehow going through something like this adds a depth to your life, another dimension and perspective, you can no longer "fit" into your previous self. I am still processing what all of this means to me, still discovering who I have become really. I have had days filled with tears, I have had moments when I wanted nothing more to do with the world, but I am now at a place of equilibrium. For the moment at least, I am okay. I take comfort in knowing that life goes on, that there are celebrations to be had and friends and family to enjoy them with. That is the good stuff of life.

Quiet Night in Bangalore

Day by Day

We are still here.

My mom is a wonder.

I am soaking up the beautiful Spring weather - so incredibly gorgeous. The hard part is trying to decide whether I can be happy (so hard not to with beautiful weather) or if I am sad. I think I am both. Watching someone die brings out all of your feelings and beliefs about spirituality, religion, etc. I am a believer. I believe in God (though not a personified one necessarily) and I can feel happy that my mother is going to pass from this world into another realm of experience. I know that she believes that as well and it is an incredible comfort. But that does not mean that this is all easy.


I really did not expect that I would still be writing about such things, I would have imagined that my mother would have passed by now, but the human spirit and its will to live are incredibly strong in this woman. Could be some of that famous stubborn streak that seems to run thick in our family (I'm told we can thank the Irish for that). We are now at two weeks with no food and a few days with virtually no liquid due to her inability to swallow without coughing and hacking for 5-10 minutes - and that is when I can get her to open her mouth. Really, how is this possible?

Now all of this is not without rewards though. At first glance she can appear to be completely unresponsive, but spend a bit of time with her and you will notice the little expressions - the raised eyebrows, the pursed lips, the smile and sometimes even a wink. She is still there. The other night as I was going to bed and turning over her care and attention to Ari and Brenton I called from the kitchen on my way to my room, "Good night mom, I love you!" and I heard her say from the other room "I love you too". I stopped dead in my tracks and felt such joy and gratitude. I know what it takes for her to speak and to do it so clearly is not easy for her. It was a gift I will cherish for all of my days.

So I am still here, as I have said before, watching every breath and the increasing spaces in between.

Dusting off - press reset.

I have a confession to make.

This is no longer a knitting blog.

I just don't really knit that much anymore. I occasionally pick something up and work on it, but it really hit me when I went to Stitches West a couple of weeks ago and very easily breezed past booth after booth of lovely fiber and yarn. There was no yearning to stop and touch everything, no dreaming up of projects, no drooling over the cashmere (though this is the one thing that I did actually purchase). I still knit, but I can no longer define myself as "a knitter".

I think part of it is that since taking up photography again, my artistic-creative needs are being met in that way. It is possible that knitting was a placeholder for this part of me. I still appreciate patterns and textures, I just find/create them with my camera more these days. It is certainly a shift in my identity, in a way. But, it also made me realize something; knitters, crafters, spinners... you are all artists.



Now, on to other news. So, above I said that I was at Stitches. Well, the astute or "in the know" among you will realize that this event takes place in Santa Clara, California. Not Bangalore. So, yes, I am in Santa Clara. Many of you reading this will already know, but for those who don't I will give you a short run down of what is going on in my life.

I came here with my family at the beginning of December so that we could be here for the holidays. One week before we left I spoke to my mother on the phone and she had just been diagnosed with cancer. By the time that we arrived her diagnosis had changed from stage I and highly treatable to stage IV and not curable. Now, it was treatable, the idea being that she could prolong her life by doing chemo, so my mom was ready to get started right away with treatment. The short version of the story is that she had a really bad reaction to the chemo which lead to her having a couple of strokes. This made her go from a fully functioning, still working, driving and living independently human being to an invalid. She lost all movement from the neck down excluding her left arm and hand. She was still able to speak, but did not always make sense.

After one week in the hospital, they transferred her to hospice care and we had to move her to a convalescent hospital. Now, I have to say here that I NEVER thought that I would put a family member in such a place, but there was no other choice. We did find a nice place for her though and I really have no complaints about the care she received there (not sure about the food though!) After 7 weeks there I was able to have her moved to our home in Santa Clara. Our tenants had coincidentally moved out recently and she had become stable enough to care for her at home.

We have been here two weeks now. We miss some of the characters from the convalescent hospital (there were some great ones!), but here it is peaceful, the garden is blooming, we hear birds chirping and we can relax a little more. Mom is dying. I know this. She knows this. At this point, she is not really eating or drinking anything, so I really don't expect her to last too long. I am just grateful that she is here, that things are calm and peaceful and she can go at her own pace.


So I am here caring for my mom. I am occasionally overwhelmed. I am sometimes in awe. I am amazed by how beautiful she is, how gloriously strong her body is, and how "present" she is when I least expect it. My mom is an amazing human being and I am so incredibly grateful to be able to be here with her through this.

So, more another time, and it is good to be back.

Changing Seasons

Somehow, even though the seasons here are quite different, I still feel a new season coming on and it leaves me contemplative. Maya is back in school again, I start up again next week with classes as well and I find myself organizing things and going through various piles of life remnants that are scattered around the house. This is the only area of control I have over my life at present. We are still waiting to hear about the contract extension, though are feeling more confident that it will be approved and are just waiting for the process to be completed. Still, it is six months only. Through June of 2010. That is only 10 months more here that are guaranteed. Not so long in the scheme of things. When people ask me how long I have been in Bangalore I at this point reply with "it is coming up on 2 years". Two years. That seems like a long time, and yet it has passed so quickly that I can hardly believe it. I sometimes find myself realizing that I have good friends here, I like it and feel comfortable. Yet at the same time, I also find myself growing weary of the noise, the lifestyle and the inability to get around on my own more easily. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling depressed, just... well, like I said - contemplative. The times, they are a changin'...

There are stories to tell- I went to Singapore with my daughters last week. I have visited more charities and taken some interesting pictures... I will leave you with this. Some of the many reasons why I love India. Can't help but feel that its future is on good hands.

New Zoo Review

Well, the class is over. My brain has been sucked dry and now it seems as if my body has relaxed enough that it feels it is okay to get sick. great.

I am truly looking forward to getting back to photography classes in September and in the meantime am sorting the stacks of paper that have accumulated in the last eight months. In other news, our life here is in state of "wait and see". My husband's current contract ends Dec. 31st and we are waiting to hear whether a six month extension has been approved - or not. We would like to have the extension so that my youngest daughter can finish out the school year here. Better yet would have been a 1 1/2 year extension so that she could finish her schooling completely since she is starting the IB program, something that is not so readily available should we return to the states. But we really don't know; there have been so many expats who have had to suddenly go home in the last six months, there is no guarantee that the same won't happen to us. There is also no guarantee that my husband will have a job elsewhere. So, we wait and will see. What else can we do? That said, it is a frustrating position to be in.

So it's Friday. How about a photo and a little story? Okay, can't choose one, so how about three?


So, one of the charities that is supported by the OWC is called Navachetana. It is a residential home for adults who have mental difficulties. The current home that they live in is adequate, but is rather dark, has no garden, and is on a rather noisy street. They don't get out much. It is not ideal, but my understanding is that they have had a hard time staying in houses because of costs (increasing property values in Bangalore) and prejudice. There does not seem to be a lot of understanding about mental illness in India and the honest truth is that many people are quite superstitious about such things. Not everyone, but enough that it makes a difference in these people's lives.

Now, as I said they don't get out much, BUT a field trip was organized to the nearby Bannerghata Wildlife Park and Zoo and we came along to "help". We drove the approximate 1 1/2 hours to get there (I love being outside of the city!) and quickly met up with our group. First up was the safari. Yes, we saw lions, and tigers, and bears .... All through the caged in windows of our private bus. Now, there are two stories in that last sentence. First was the caged in windows. They didn't used to be caged, but rumor has it that a young child was attacked through an open window of one of the buses some years back. So now, they have metal grills. Quite logical if you ask me. Now, the second interesting mention above was PRIVATE BUS. The buses for the safari are notorious for being over-crowded and all of the bodily joys that that experience would give you. To have a private bus for our group was a real treat and much appreciated by us all. Though we must have been quite a sight. A bunch of white people with cameras armed and ready "accompanying" a group of somewhat reserved and quiet Indians who seemed only moderately interested in the wild animals just outside. Well, I had fun anyway.

This is Gracie, she is quite the model don't you think?


After the safari, we had lunch and then went into the zoo. There are many of your typical zoo animals: birds of multiple varieties, crocodiles, leopards, elephants, monkeys. Yes monkeys. That was pretty funny actually. There was a cage with some sort of monkeys inside, then outside was a group of wild and free monkeys who truly seemed to be teasing them. They were even stealing their food. Priceless!

I also appreciated the helpful signs.


We wandered around the zoo for about an hour and then gathered and said our goodbyes. It was a fun trip and a great way to spend the day and we all appreciated getting out of Bangalore for a few hours.

Laundry Day

I am still mostly sitting on my backside doing schoolwork these days, but only two weeks left of this class. I admit that I do get distracted by Facebook (am finding a lot of old friends there these days!) and listening to good music on a regular basis, but I have not actually gotten out of the house so much. My dear husband though, some weeks ago he, well insisted that we should go away for our anniversary. So, we did, to Fort Kochi (Kochin/Cochin) in Kerala. The last photo I shared was from that trip as well. But today I wanted to tell a little about the laundry that we visited, the dhoby khana.

As we entered the area, we saw a large area covered with poles and ropes. This is where they would generally dry much of the clothing, but of course, this being monsoon season, few were using this area to dry things.

As we came around the side we saw the work spaces that each of them use. Each has their own assigned space where they wash the clothes. Looked like hard work.


Nearby was a covered shed, where at this time of year they hang most of the laundry to dry. Notice how they don't need clothespins?


Inside is where they also do the ironing. Wow. These are some serious irons. This guy, who I was told was 70 something years old, offered to let me pick up the iron. I couldn't. Seriously. It was far too heavy. Of course, once you lift it and place it on the fabric, that also means that the iron is doing a lot of the work for you, so that is the good part.



Another man was working with a coal iron...


And finally, someone was starching shirts.



It was an amazing place to see.

I'm still here... I think

Truly, I wish I had not signed up for the English class that I am taking this summer. It is a good class but since it is a "short" course, one semester in six weeks, it is intense. During the course of this time I have to write and revise a short story and, well, it is kicking my butt.

But, since it is once again, still Friday somewhere, I will share with you a photo from a recent get-away to Kochi in Kerala.


Enjoy, and I will be back soon!

Amsterdam

No one likes to write not-blogging excuses and I will resist the temptation.
Instead I will post a few photos from my visit to Amsterdam. I really, really loved the city and will try to tell you a few little stories soon! Enjoy :)

No Summary? No Summery either!

I was realizing today that there is no possible way that I can summarize all that I have done on this trip. It has been so amazing (and still one week to go!). You saw some shots of Paris... beautiful, right? Yep. An amazing and inspiring city. Since Paris I have also seen:

Tournai- totally cool city. Charming, picturesque, and quiet. It is like walking into a little fairytale town or something. Check it out...





Yeah... Disneyland's got nothing on Europe.

And then there was Brussels. I really should tell you about some of our adventures in Brussels. It was a bit gray and gloomy feeling while we were there but on our first day we had a fantastic walking tour where we learned all about the history of Brussels in two short hours. We saw the grand square where the town hall is, observed some of the details on the building that give Brussels a little character, saw the Manneken Pis (as well as what we think was a TV commercial being shot there...), and got the scoop on which candy/chocolate shops were the good ones.

Then we went to see the Brussels Royal Museum of Fine Arts some more art history, this time delving into the world of Flemish Primitives, Northern Renaissance, and the Flanders painters. Saw some great stuff... but no photos were allowed :(

BUT, when we came out to head back to the hotel we saw a glimmer of hope. The gloomy day was lifting...

huh?

We saw...


GOLD PEOPLE!!!

squee!

Now what exactly are these gold people? Well, we were asking ourselves that very question! They told us a very little bit about it, handing us stickers as they walked on. But what do you do when such a group is in front of you...


Well, duh. You follow.



So we did.

One of my classmates is now an honorary member. I think she fits in with them, don't ya think?

omg, OMG, OMG!!!!
(actually, she was quite speechless!)

Well, eventually they wandered on and I was ready for an afternoon coffee, AND a Belgian waffle thank-you-very-much! So the gold people wandered away and life in Brussels returned to normal.



So, in case you are interested, the "gold people", as I have referred to them here, are part of an art project by the Polish artist Pawal Althamer. Part of the project is to commemorate the 20 years it has been since the free elections of Poland in 1989.

Paris Drive By

St. Chapelle, Paris

I know- I missed Friday.
I have been gone now for three weeks, I think. I am not entirely sure what day of the week it is. The calendar at the bottom of my computer says that it is the 5th... which I think is a Thursday. Geez.

So I spent a week and a half and a day in Paris. Wow. LOVED Paris. I love the history, the buildings, the language (just wish I was more conversational with it), the food, the mood. Really a fantastic city. I have taken lots of photos but have not had time to do a lot of processing. I have started the Art History course that I came to Europe for and am running around striving to keep up with a bunch of younger adults who are quite fun. We have seen museums... lots of them. We have seen Cathedrals and I could now write a paper on the differences between Romanesque, Neo-Classical and Gothic architecture. I have had school assignments to complete (though thankfully not the one I just mentioned!) and have marveled at how late the sun sets here.

The "you-know-what" at about 10 pm.

I am now in Brussels, but I hope you enjoy these few photos from Paris. You'll get a legit blog post one of these days when I have more time to actually write. And now... I have to go finish a school assignment on... oh yeah, Gothic architectural elements in cathedrals!

"...of Cabbages and Kings..."

Are you ready for a nice long post? Well, get ready. I promise it is weird, interesting and decidedly English. So grab a cup of tea, or coffee if you must, and settle in for some stories of ghosts, kings and queens, witches, cats, rats and a-maze-ing adventures.

Yes, it is time to play catch up. It has been a fairly packed trip thus far and I have not even started my school course yet. I am, as stated before, in Paris now- but I would like to share with you about my trip to England.

Really, I did love London. It is busy, alive, interesting, friendly and I felt completely at ease walking its streets on my own.

Helpful British directions...

A wander down a random street would almost always lead to an interesting discovery. I never got lost and I enjoyed myself immensely. I wondered towards the end if I would regret leaving London to visit friends in the hinterlands of the English countryside. Not to worry... England has an interesting story at every turn and I was not disappointed.

I traveled by train to Ipswich to visit my friend Sally who is a former Bangalore expat. A quick one hour trip, only slightly complicated by my bulky luggage (it is hard to pack lightly for a 5 week trip!), and I was in the hands of Sally who turned out to be a most excellent and interesting tour guide! We started out right away by driving into the center of Ipswich where Sally pointed out many amazing examples of pargeting, a traditional plastering technique common to the area. Truly amazing stuff! Do look at the link for more information on how this is done.

Free form plastering artwork!

After a wander around and a bite to eat at a local pub we decided to visit a couple of castles that were in the area. First we went to Framlingham (c. 1190 a.d.) where they had an audio tour that was decidedly humorous and Monty Python-esque, though perhaps not quite as informative as I might have wanted- but that's okay- I also bought the guidebook.

Inside the Framlington Castle walls

It is an interesting castle in that it has a house/building still standing inside (likely re-built and such), but this allows you to envision how it might look if you were living inside a castle wall. The internal area is smaller than you might think and apparently this is one of the larger ones. My first castle! We then traveled to the previously mentioned Orford castle (last post). This one was more of a "tower castle" but was fascinating for all of the nooks and cranies that you could climb through and explore.

My most excellent tour guide!

We did climb all the way to the top where there was a view of the North Sea in the distance. At the top we also encountered a stiff, chill wind that sent us scurrying back to the car in short order.

Orford Village

That evening, for dinner, we went to The Butt and Oyster, a 17th Century pub on the banks of the River Orwell. For the record, the "butt" part of the name refers to a type of barrel used to transport oysters back in the day. If you thought otherwise, well, I suspect you would not be alone. This was apparently quite a smuggler's haven in the 19th century and it is said that the proprietors would leave a lantern in the window if it was safe to unload. The pub is quite close to the water's edge and at high tide and they can and do serve pints through the windows to boats who come close. The essential thing about the place is that they serve a good meal with a nice view, both of which we did enjoy!

Pinmill view

We ended the evening with a drive around the local area and passed by the house pictured below. This is Erwarton Hall and was at one time the home to a relative of Ann Boleyn's. She is said to have spent many memorable years here in her youth as well as some of her last days as she awaited her destined end. She loved the place so much that she gave orders for her heart to be buried here upon her demise. Quite the story, huh? Well apparently they found a small casket that contained human remains- now dust- some years back. The story is that they removed it to London for investigation, but after some strange occurances in the house, it was decided that the casket should be replaced. So the heart of Ann Boleyn is at rest once more.

Erwarton Hall

An alternate history, one that was published in the New York Times of November 13th, 1881, states that her heart was buried, and discovered, at nearby St. Mary's church (c. 15th Century) in Ewarton. Either way, her heart clearly lies in the local area. A beautiful peaceful spot worthy of her affections.

The next day we were off for a visit to Bury St. Edmunds. Another fine name for a fine English town. And what is Bury St. Edmund's known for? Well, for being the home of the ruins of the St. Edmund's Abbey-


the shrine and supposed home to the buried remains of St. Edmund of course! Local people will tell you that they would prefer that St. Edmund became the patron saint of England as opposed to St. George. Primarily because St. Edmund was actually English, while St. George was either Turkish, or African, or something else, but definitely not English. There is also the fact that St. George, lovely admirable man that he may have been, never even visited England. Interesting point!

Besides the ruins of the abbey, the area is also home to a Cathedral, recently visited by The Queen, it's lovely gardens, a brewery (I could smell the brewing beer as we were walking through the town!) and the smallest pub in England, measuring 15 x 7 feet, The Nutshell.

We cracked the door to The Nutshell and entered for a bit of refreshment. We encountered a friendly informative barman who filled us in on some of the history of the pub. The most entertaining of which was about the remains on the ceiling. Confused? Look closely below...

Do you see the dangly thing behind the front ceiling light? That would be the remains of a cat. Discovered while re-doing some brick work, cats were apparently buried alive within such constructs in years past as a means of keeping away witches. We were told by the barman that it doesn't work, as he knows several who visit the pub on a regular basis. The cat also has the company of a rat (seen dangling to the far right of the cat above) that was brought in by a customer some years ago. Since that time, the cat and rat have been joined by a human leg bone, the skeletal remains of some other unidentified animal, a blown up blowfish, and various other oddments. This pub is apparently also inhabited by several ghosts, though how they fit inside is beyond me!

After our bit of refreshment/entertainment, we departed for the coast. These are some English Beach huts. Another odd piece of British tradition, they are usually owned, though sometimes leased, and offer a bit of holiday getaway for their occupants. You are not allowed to sleep in them- only use them during the day while at the seaside. Though judging from the brisk, crisp air there, I think they are on to something!


Well, seeing as how the British are such brave souls I decided to dip my feet in the water as well. Refreshing!


The next day it was time to depart from Suffolk and travel over hill and dale in a roundabout way to Cheshire. Time to visit another former Bangalore expat, Andrea.

Now Andrea and her husband David are more recently arrived from Bangalore but they willingly put me up in their home (their shipment from India was due to arrive shortly after my visit) and treated me to the lovely sights and sounds of Macclesfield.

We started out that night with a visit to the nearby Bollington Festival. It seems that Andrea is not only a dear friend, she is also a talented performer and I was able to see her in a performance of the opera, Tobias and the Angel. This tells the story from the Book of Tobit (from the Apocrypha) about Tobit's son Tobias and his experiences with the Archangel Raphael. It was quite fun, accessible, and a wonderful way to spend the evening. After this performance we also enjoyed a tango performance. The dancers were good (though young and slightly lacking in emotional depth), but the music was fantastic!

The next day was a rainy one, so we ventured across the nearby Peak District (beautiful hills and valleys filled with farms, sheep, and lovely scenery) to Chatsworth, the estate and home of the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire. Wow. What a place. I am not sure that I would be as generous as they are- to open it up to the public 364 days a year. Entry fees do help pay for the upkeep of the estate, but I might want a few more days to myself there. It is stunning. The house is amazing enough, but what I really loved were the gardens. Really, as far as the eye could see is part of their estate. The estate has also been in several films, most recently and notably, The Duchess, staring Keira Knightly and Ralph Fiennes. This film was actually based on the story of the real life Georgiana, 18th Century Duchess of Devonshire. She was apparently quite scandalous!

We explored the house...



We explored and enjoyed the gardens...


And then we ventured into the maze. Okay, mazes should be logical, right? There are only so many entrances, only so many possible turns, and once you have tried and eliminated all previous possibilities you are led to the center of the maze. Easy. Well, we tried. We did all of the above to the best of my knowledge, we saw the center of the maze through the shrubbery, we heard a delighted child in the center... but we could not, would not, find the actual path to the center. We finally gave up once the rains stopped threatening and started falling with a peal of laughter in our general direction. We were defeated.


Ah well. We did enjoy ourselves and I felt like I had gotten a true taste of "The North" of England. Another beautiful spot in the world.

Phew. Still here? Wow. I'm impressed! I hope you enjoyed my quirky stories of England.

"...and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings."

Lewis Carroll- who totally makes sense to me now!