Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Can't believe that I am related...

*This is really truly from a relative. Ee-gads! "Names" have been changed to protect the idiotic.
WARNING: put down your coffee.

Subject: Anniversary Gift

Last weekend I saw something at "Harry's Pistol &Pawn Shop" that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 35th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife "Lisa". What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to "Lisa"
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they
get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

*Disclaimer: When my uncle first sent this to me he claimed that it was a true story and put his and his wife's name in the e-mail. He has since confessed that he actually received it as an e-mail and did not personally experience any of this. I leave the story here because it is funny and a good one. Also, because my uncle IS stupid/crazy enough to have done such a thing. This is my revenge on you Uncle Clarence!


Isha said...

Well, who is it?!!?

Hannah said...

I love Uncle "Bob" .. funny how I used the same alias when I fwded this on for everyone to realize that everyone makes mistakes. :)

Gros Bisous ~
Gakusei Hannah